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Seasonal jokes
Carols, reworked | Christmas cake recipe
| New bike
(To the tune of "Good King Wenceslas)
Christmas morning down the pub
Getting drunk and perky
While the missus stays at home
Trying to cook the turkey
Got thrown out at closing time
Head in need of aspirin
Got home for my Christmas lunch
Found it in the dustbin
(To the tune of Jingle Bells)
Turkey roast, Christmas pud
Chocolate and dates
Carrots, stuffing, spuds and peas
All piled up on the plates
Try some cake, fruit and nuts
Have a drink of beer
Eat another mince pie
Or we'll stuff it in your ear
Ingredients:
1 cup water 2 cups dried fruit 1 cup brown sugar
1 cup sugar 1 tsp salt 8 oz nuts
4 large eggs 1 tsp baking soda juice of 1 lemon
1 bottle of brandy
Method:
Sample brandy to check its quality.
Take a large bowl. Re-check the brandy to ensure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add
one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the brandy is still okay and cry another tup.
Turn off the mixerer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried
fruit. Mix on the turner, and if the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the brandy to check for tonisisticity.
Next sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares? Check the brandy.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or
something. Whatever you can find. Then grease the oven and turn the cake tin to
350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window, check the
brandy again and go to bed.
It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he
could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to
Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity
play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that
would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and
would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read
it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a
good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back
and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I
could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read
that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach.
After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in
the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home
and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to
see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'
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Last
updated: 31/10/2005
This work is licenced under a
